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I Should Not Have Gone Down and I am Emo.....
I saw Someone..
I am Sad..
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thats all i can say.............
J..................
I saw Someone..
I am Sad..
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thats all i can say.............
J..................
- Location:..............
- Mood:
............... - Music:..........
It begins with someone and will end with someone.
The strings from the guitar and the one tone beats
A song saying please, with soft words coming from her mouth
On the other side of the glass panel, another sits.
Staring at me and looking away.
A cup of coffee, black without sugar.
The bitter taste in my mouth and in hers.
Sudden glances and a smile.
Different worlds, different lives.
A cigarette under the harmful sun.
And her in the coolest of temperature, sitting on the couch.
But it was not her, not anyone that causes me to be where I am now.
I gave up on my book, I gave up my drink.
Made another order of coffee,
Just to cool myself indoors where there is air-condition.
My mind race through many favorite memories.
I remembered why I choose to sit at this café to think alone.
Something made me remember her, not the one at the glass window.
But I realize she stills stares at me.
But it was another, the girl who made me who I am today.
She made that big impact. She was the one who made me realize.
I saw the world when we were together. I learn everything with and around her.
The world seems smaller and easier for me to be in.
But it all change when she left.
Made me so small or made the world so big.
I feel distant from myself.
I feel like I am looking at myself doing everything without me.
My appreciation for my life came to the biggest pit-stop in any race history.
Losing all senses and losing my mind.
Yet again, I sat down with another cup of coffee. Having another cigarette.
Feeling the bitterness and burning in the sun.
She has to end this, no matter how I tried. I will not let go.
Ice melts and watered down my coffee that made half the table was wet.
My book, soak from all the action on the table.
The stares left the glass panel.
The girl left her sit, she came out and sat down borrowing a light.
Our smoke dance with each other.
The stale air made them last even longer.
But like everything else. Both with disappear and fade off into the sky
And like that she left again.
My mind went blank yet again. And I wait for another
Just awhile more, just a little
Undo this memory.
FOREVER.
The strings from the guitar and the one tone beats
A song saying please, with soft words coming from her mouth
On the other side of the glass panel, another sits.
Staring at me and looking away.
A cup of coffee, black without sugar.
The bitter taste in my mouth and in hers.
Sudden glances and a smile.
Different worlds, different lives.
A cigarette under the harmful sun.
And her in the coolest of temperature, sitting on the couch.
But it was not her, not anyone that causes me to be where I am now.
I gave up on my book, I gave up my drink.
Made another order of coffee,
Just to cool myself indoors where there is air-condition.
My mind race through many favorite memories.
I remembered why I choose to sit at this café to think alone.
Something made me remember her, not the one at the glass window.
But I realize she stills stares at me.
But it was another, the girl who made me who I am today.
She made that big impact. She was the one who made me realize.
I saw the world when we were together. I learn everything with and around her.
The world seems smaller and easier for me to be in.
But it all change when she left.
Made me so small or made the world so big.
I feel distant from myself.
I feel like I am looking at myself doing everything without me.
My appreciation for my life came to the biggest pit-stop in any race history.
Losing all senses and losing my mind.
Yet again, I sat down with another cup of coffee. Having another cigarette.
Feeling the bitterness and burning in the sun.
She has to end this, no matter how I tried. I will not let go.
Ice melts and watered down my coffee that made half the table was wet.
My book, soak from all the action on the table.
The stares left the glass panel.
The girl left her sit, she came out and sat down borrowing a light.
Our smoke dance with each other.
The stale air made them last even longer.
But like everything else. Both with disappear and fade off into the sky
And like that she left again.
My mind went blank yet again. And I wait for another
Just awhile more, just a little
Undo this memory.
FOREVER.
- Mood:
indescribable - Music:Please - by Furniture
So so Long..
where can i ever start..
Well to the unknown and the one who have commented on my last entry.
I am so curious on who are you.. i keep pounding myself trying to figure out.
No offense i keep hoping you are who you are..
Maybe the best is not to let me know.. to be as honest...
Life has taken an unexpected toll on me again..i yet again, in dying attempts to find myself
and my very own social circle again. which i last remember was lost to worlds i now could not go too. maybe not even at all.
I keep trying to find out who and why am i like all of this and wondering if it is ever enough..
you see its like a maze. every turn i take i get lost. and even more lost when i back track. every step i take.. even if it is the path that i have been taking. i side track and back track and keep going straight.. it never ever will be the one that keeps me alive. i keep seeing Death at all the paths i looked at.. i keep feeling this for a very long time.. i keep changing and hoping for something. a crack in my very dark box. a light. at least. i keep feeling Death all around. it may not be in forms of emotions or actual Death. everything keeps disappearing and fading away. i keep getting lost.
For actual info, i really do not need to be told that you are there for me or anyone.. cause i really need actual physical knowledge. Don't just tell me, Show me instead. hang with me. if anyone actually knows, i maybe this Emotional in my head, but not when i am around anyone. i know emotion is very irritating. so i keep it to myself instead.
Someone that i know keep saying people comes and go all the time. But all i want it some to stay and not go. or sometimes at least just show i am still remembered.
i can easily say to most of my dates to Fuck Off..
If all you care about is Money, Looks, Transportation. Then please don't look for me.. those Item you look for, i do not have. and even so if i do have. don't bother coming to me for it. cause once i find out. i will Burn you alive.. and i Mean It.
the people i know now are all a Joke. All of them i can really say is that they Care only about themselves. Look for me knowing i can solve their problems and when it is over. so long and goodbye.
This makes me really sad.
i promise i see it again, i promise i see it with you now.
Fuck that shit.
what i want to to move out. If i am gonna be depress and feeling like this mostly. i would rather be doing this somewhere else. out of this town. well at least i got a nice scene to go to when i am really feeling like shit. not like here where the only appreciation you or anyone will get is through money and popularity. i am tried of it all. i used to have many peeps around. so cool to be someone like me who knows everything and everyone. but who gives a fuck about that. the ego is to big for me.
i love the arts and music. i love expressing myself. but in this modern world expression is just a money making profitable shit that people just don;t get. its all about feeling it. not just by touch, but bye closing you eyes and seeing it in the only way you can relate to. its really just as good if anyone could just sit and look. no one i know does that. minority says they do. but only for a short time spent. i do not put this to my typical day to day life. what i mean is that people say there is always time for work and play. to me work is work, but inside and people everywhere no one gets it.
its something people just got to accept and think outside their routine lives.
lately i have been trying to write my Resume and cover letter for work. and i keep thinking it sucks. it don't seems that good. but really Help if anyone could. or want to.
The biggest Joke is that by the time someone actually offered that help i would have started a job. so i guess thats that. So Negative.
i also just met someone yesterday. really long time i have not seen and she still thinks that i am the same.. so sad. she never gets me.. and keep thinking she does. form the time i knew her. she keeps telling me things i know already and keep bringing me down.
i guess no one really knows me or gets me.
as usual i will end most of my entries with some shit i feel, and if you can really feel what comes through my mind you will know what i am writing about. cause my last words in my entries all have meanings sometimes a cry for help sometimes just to be cared for... so here it goes.
23 my current age, putting on weight
stop reminding me, stop insulting me.
accept me, be a friend
say you care, just show it
don't do anything for me, just be around me.
my many desperate attempts to feel life
my struggles to get back to where i am
i keep stopping myself for not being me
Missing for a decade. worried for years
my heart still aches and bleeds
my pounding headaches and my broken bones.
sliding a note under my bed.
my diary , not so much
cold and alone , keeps playing outside
keep screaming, keep living.
purple walls and white ceilings
brown paper and yellow skin
crying in waterless rain.
dying and waking. all that needs and all that shines
blur and unkind. deep breathes
you gave me some place to go.
i have given all that chance
rejected and thanks, i got all that
offer something , offer hope
what do you think, what you think of me
sad songs sad lyrics.
artistic expressions. Hear you me.
may you be the blessing.
silence and death. forgive me for all my sins.
heavy and so far awya.
miss you, love you.
my number is in you
my soul is not just a wonder.
un-intentioned.
where can i ever start..
Well to the unknown and the one who have commented on my last entry.
I am so curious on who are you.. i keep pounding myself trying to figure out.
No offense i keep hoping you are who you are..
Maybe the best is not to let me know.. to be as honest...
Life has taken an unexpected toll on me again..i yet again, in dying attempts to find myself
and my very own social circle again. which i last remember was lost to worlds i now could not go too. maybe not even at all.
I keep trying to find out who and why am i like all of this and wondering if it is ever enough..
you see its like a maze. every turn i take i get lost. and even more lost when i back track. every step i take.. even if it is the path that i have been taking. i side track and back track and keep going straight.. it never ever will be the one that keeps me alive. i keep seeing Death at all the paths i looked at.. i keep feeling this for a very long time.. i keep changing and hoping for something. a crack in my very dark box. a light. at least. i keep feeling Death all around. it may not be in forms of emotions or actual Death. everything keeps disappearing and fading away. i keep getting lost.
For actual info, i really do not need to be told that you are there for me or anyone.. cause i really need actual physical knowledge. Don't just tell me, Show me instead. hang with me. if anyone actually knows, i maybe this Emotional in my head, but not when i am around anyone. i know emotion is very irritating. so i keep it to myself instead.
Someone that i know keep saying people comes and go all the time. But all i want it some to stay and not go. or sometimes at least just show i am still remembered.
i can easily say to most of my dates to Fuck Off..
If all you care about is Money, Looks, Transportation. Then please don't look for me.. those Item you look for, i do not have. and even so if i do have. don't bother coming to me for it. cause once i find out. i will Burn you alive.. and i Mean It.
the people i know now are all a Joke. All of them i can really say is that they Care only about themselves. Look for me knowing i can solve their problems and when it is over. so long and goodbye.
This makes me really sad.
i promise i see it again, i promise i see it with you now.
Fuck that shit.
what i want to to move out. If i am gonna be depress and feeling like this mostly. i would rather be doing this somewhere else. out of this town. well at least i got a nice scene to go to when i am really feeling like shit. not like here where the only appreciation you or anyone will get is through money and popularity. i am tried of it all. i used to have many peeps around. so cool to be someone like me who knows everything and everyone. but who gives a fuck about that. the ego is to big for me.
i love the arts and music. i love expressing myself. but in this modern world expression is just a money making profitable shit that people just don;t get. its all about feeling it. not just by touch, but bye closing you eyes and seeing it in the only way you can relate to. its really just as good if anyone could just sit and look. no one i know does that. minority says they do. but only for a short time spent. i do not put this to my typical day to day life. what i mean is that people say there is always time for work and play. to me work is work, but inside and people everywhere no one gets it.
its something people just got to accept and think outside their routine lives.
lately i have been trying to write my Resume and cover letter for work. and i keep thinking it sucks. it don't seems that good. but really Help if anyone could. or want to.
The biggest Joke is that by the time someone actually offered that help i would have started a job. so i guess thats that. So Negative.
i also just met someone yesterday. really long time i have not seen and she still thinks that i am the same.. so sad. she never gets me.. and keep thinking she does. form the time i knew her. she keeps telling me things i know already and keep bringing me down.
i guess no one really knows me or gets me.
as usual i will end most of my entries with some shit i feel, and if you can really feel what comes through my mind you will know what i am writing about. cause my last words in my entries all have meanings sometimes a cry for help sometimes just to be cared for... so here it goes.
23 my current age, putting on weight
stop reminding me, stop insulting me.
accept me, be a friend
say you care, just show it
don't do anything for me, just be around me.
my many desperate attempts to feel life
my struggles to get back to where i am
i keep stopping myself for not being me
Missing for a decade. worried for years
my heart still aches and bleeds
my pounding headaches and my broken bones.
sliding a note under my bed.
my diary , not so much
cold and alone , keeps playing outside
keep screaming, keep living.
purple walls and white ceilings
brown paper and yellow skin
crying in waterless rain.
dying and waking. all that needs and all that shines
blur and unkind. deep breathes
you gave me some place to go.
i have given all that chance
rejected and thanks, i got all that
offer something , offer hope
what do you think, what you think of me
sad songs sad lyrics.
artistic expressions. Hear you me.
may you be the blessing.
silence and death. forgive me for all my sins.
heavy and so far awya.
miss you, love you.
my number is in you
my soul is not just a wonder.
un-intentioned.
- Mood: crushed
- Music:Lughnasa - by Furniture
i can't sleep my heart aches.
i feel like the SONY commercial on the tele.
like the robot that walks
look at the robot.. so alone so dead, like inside of me. so dead. like some lost soul.
waiting for someone to put her earphones in my ears and bring me back to reality
waiting and looking.. till then i am walking around aimlessly looking at such wonders.
well thats how i feel about myself. relating to the adverts by SONY.
but thats not the reason i am up.. its because i am up
thats why i manage to catch the commercial again and again.
but why am i up..
well its the eve of the eve of chinese new year..
i am suppose to be looking forward to it or at least be happy bout it..
but i feel fucked up. i hate the holidays or any other day.
thats not the point its 4.a.m. my mum went to the hospital for check up. she said she is not breathing well.. i hope she is alright.. i worry for her.
it seems like more shit has been thrown on me.
first i am depress, then work is not doing well for me. then there is a very personal issue at home that is never settled since i can remember. and every single thing has been clouding in my head. now my mum is sick. she don't look good when she left the house 2 hours ago.. and i am still awake waiting for her to come home and see she is fine.
i tried watching movies, well it doesn't help, felicia is in australia. so i can't call her.
everyone is sleeping. watching the O.C just makes me more emo.
so i just type here and share my worries.
i hope she is alright..
please do..
my family is what i have left. please don't let it go too. please.
i feel like the SONY commercial on the tele.
like the robot that walks
look at the robot.. so alone so dead, like inside of me. so dead. like some lost soul.
waiting for someone to put her earphones in my ears and bring me back to reality
waiting and looking.. till then i am walking around aimlessly looking at such wonders.
well thats how i feel about myself. relating to the adverts by SONY.
but thats not the reason i am up.. its because i am up
thats why i manage to catch the commercial again and again.
but why am i up..
well its the eve of the eve of chinese new year..
i am suppose to be looking forward to it or at least be happy bout it..
but i feel fucked up. i hate the holidays or any other day.
thats not the point its 4.a.m. my mum went to the hospital for check up. she said she is not breathing well.. i hope she is alright.. i worry for her.
it seems like more shit has been thrown on me.
first i am depress, then work is not doing well for me. then there is a very personal issue at home that is never settled since i can remember. and every single thing has been clouding in my head. now my mum is sick. she don't look good when she left the house 2 hours ago.. and i am still awake waiting for her to come home and see she is fine.
i tried watching movies, well it doesn't help, felicia is in australia. so i can't call her.
everyone is sleeping. watching the O.C just makes me more emo.
so i just type here and share my worries.
i hope she is alright..
please do..
my family is what i have left. please don't let it go too. please.
- Mood:
scared - Music:no music helps this time.
Its Valentines Day, as you guess. i am at home.
don't have a date and don't have the mood.
let me start with No date, Its so simple, i can't find one and no one seems interested
besides even if anyone is interested. i'm kinda broke..
so thats that.
No Mood? well it all has got to do with fucking work place. i curse that Poon to death.
i will have no regrets if he just drop dead now.
i wish him dead. Fuck off and die arse.
to make my day. if he actually dies now.. same goes for Mdm Mak wong ugly bitch.
she has to die too.
i never knew there can be so many idiots and stupid ass-holes in such a small space.
its like both of them never even were taught life skills and being actually normal.. they are beyond abnormal and totally fucked up..
make me happy and kill them both... thats all i ask for..
behind the shadows of every corner of the office,
a dark figure hides and waits to grant the boys wishes.
slowly he comes out of the cubical. a sudden heart attack and in an instant Poon dies. and all we did was stare..
next was her, the bitch that so not deserve her life for being stupid and fucked up in every way.
if only they know, and she suddenly goes to the ladies and slips and fall. hitting her head on the floor, and the dark figure again comes and skins her slowly. her scream just wasn't bothered by anyone. as she is not even a significant to any of us.
we didn't cared and then she just stops and lay there slowly she bleeds to death a long pain and suffering for her. all that anyone could ask for..
and we are happy again. as for poon, before he dies his heart attack was such intense pain, he figures he was being stared down by me and saw me laughing and he soon finds out and admits he was wrong.. but it is too late and his attacks lasted 3 whole fucking hours... what a joy, what ounce of happiness. the 2 i hate are finally dead..
this will be a good valentines day for me if both dies.. so what i have not date, so what i got no one to care for . i am just happy with all of this requests.. and besides i also wish her Danielle a good one. i hope she is happy and joyed with everything she has.
with all my thoughts i wish her all the best valentines day she could ever have.
Girl, you will always be in my heart.. Miss You....
maybe thats why i don't have a date.. i still am holding on to her and the past.. But then. i miss it all and i regret.. what i have done..
if only someone could take it all away.
don't have a date and don't have the mood.
let me start with No date, Its so simple, i can't find one and no one seems interested
besides even if anyone is interested. i'm kinda broke..
so thats that.
No Mood? well it all has got to do with fucking work place. i curse that Poon to death.
i will have no regrets if he just drop dead now.
i wish him dead. Fuck off and die arse.
to make my day. if he actually dies now.. same goes for Mdm Mak wong ugly bitch.
she has to die too.
i never knew there can be so many idiots and stupid ass-holes in such a small space.
its like both of them never even were taught life skills and being actually normal.. they are beyond abnormal and totally fucked up..
make me happy and kill them both... thats all i ask for..
behind the shadows of every corner of the office,
a dark figure hides and waits to grant the boys wishes.
slowly he comes out of the cubical. a sudden heart attack and in an instant Poon dies. and all we did was stare..
next was her, the bitch that so not deserve her life for being stupid and fucked up in every way.
if only they know, and she suddenly goes to the ladies and slips and fall. hitting her head on the floor, and the dark figure again comes and skins her slowly. her scream just wasn't bothered by anyone. as she is not even a significant to any of us.
we didn't cared and then she just stops and lay there slowly she bleeds to death a long pain and suffering for her. all that anyone could ask for..
and we are happy again. as for poon, before he dies his heart attack was such intense pain, he figures he was being stared down by me and saw me laughing and he soon finds out and admits he was wrong.. but it is too late and his attacks lasted 3 whole fucking hours... what a joy, what ounce of happiness. the 2 i hate are finally dead..
this will be a good valentines day for me if both dies.. so what i have not date, so what i got no one to care for . i am just happy with all of this requests.. and besides i also wish her Danielle a good one. i hope she is happy and joyed with everything she has.
with all my thoughts i wish her all the best valentines day she could ever have.
Girl, you will always be in my heart.. Miss You....
maybe thats why i don't have a date.. i still am holding on to her and the past.. But then. i miss it all and i regret.. what i have done..
if only someone could take it all away.
- Mood:
aggravated - Music:with or without you - by U2
what does it take?
To........
Feel
Love
Hope
Like
Cry
Pray
Fear
What does it take to make someone, know you
know what our feeling
know what is like to be you.
what does it take to make someone special.
trust someone.help someone.
waiting and hoping. what does it really take..
when she is so faraway. when all of them say it is hopeless
when others think you are a joke..
when people and shrinks say and tell me
to help myself before helping others.
what does it all mean..
what does it all say
what do you want
what do you finally want from me.. Fucking arse
how
someone said
it's ok to breakdown n cry
it's ok to say u wanna die
it's ok to hate this life
it's ok to brandish a knife
it's ok to say it's crap
it's ok to think life's full of mishap
it's ok to breakdown n cry
for we're only human
to not cry, that's living a lie.
i do read the comments i do read ither minds.
i feel.. but
eventually
its
what does it takes
why me why this..
i'm so screwed and shit up right now and time is not helping..
i am running out of fucking time and running
away
i want out..
so many times yet again i am denied from my ounce of happiness.
know this that i am gonna end this entry with Help again... and really if you do not care just fuck off. ok
it just makes things worst if you just show concern..
i belief i am better off alone..
arhhhhhhh.. when i feel better i wlll add another entry..
till then.. thoughts will just only disappear
To........
Feel
Love
Hope
Like
Cry
Pray
Fear
What does it take to make someone, know you
know what our feeling
know what is like to be you.
what does it take to make someone special.
trust someone.help someone.
waiting and hoping. what does it really take..
when she is so faraway. when all of them say it is hopeless
when others think you are a joke..
when people and shrinks say and tell me
to help myself before helping others.
what does it all mean..
what does it all say
what do you want
what do you finally want from me.. Fucking arse
how
someone said
it's ok to breakdown n cry
it's ok to say u wanna die
it's ok to hate this life
it's ok to brandish a knife
it's ok to say it's crap
it's ok to think life's full of mishap
it's ok to breakdown n cry
for we're only human
to not cry, that's living a lie.
i do read the comments i do read ither minds.
i feel.. but
eventually
its
what does it takes
why me why this..
i'm so screwed and shit up right now and time is not helping..
i am running out of fucking time and running
away
i want out..
so many times yet again i am denied from my ounce of happiness.
know this that i am gonna end this entry with Help again... and really if you do not care just fuck off. ok
it just makes things worst if you just show concern..
i belief i am better off alone..
arhhhhhhh.. when i feel better i wlll add another entry..
till then.. thoughts will just only disappear
- Mood:
blank - Music:blank thoughts that plays and noises that will fade away
i hate this nw year. i hate all the years...
i am going crazy.
you never bothered
you never cared
every one of you haunts me.
so much for the years.
FUCK OFF
i hate all of you.
she appears, she haunts, she fucks my mind.
stupid world, stupid life.
i feel.
sad
angry
hate
confuse
blur
zoink
lonely
depress
lost
helpless
shaken
high
dead
stone
miss
love
hate
dead
killed
stay awhile or just get lost.
all of you.
don't
touch me
tell me
ignore me
torture me
hate me
pity me.
get out of my head
get lost
i hate you
i hate me
Tears?
arhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
i am going crazy.
you never bothered
you never cared
every one of you haunts me.
so much for the years.
FUCK OFF
i hate all of you.
she appears, she haunts, she fucks my mind.
stupid world, stupid life.
i feel.
sad
angry
hate
confuse
blur
zoink
lonely
depress
lost
helpless
shaken
high
dead
stone
miss
love
hate
dead
killed
stay awhile or just get lost.
all of you.
don't
touch me
tell me
ignore me
torture me
hate me
pity me.
get out of my head
get lost
i hate you
i hate me
Tears?
arhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
- Mood: sad
- Music:don't go away - by oasis
It came and now its gone the festive season is finely gone. thank god..
i have came to realize that the season of giving and sharing is so stupid.
people just don't care... the holidays became so dumb.. everyone just go and did what everyone did.. if there is fireworks then you bet everyone is there...
i have to admit that the fireworks is damn bloody good. the crowd is still the same.. lack of spirit and emotion.. every year is feels like the entire country has turn into walking zombies.... a better insight is to go to any gigs here in this small island and see for yourself.. is the young like me are becoming so boring and lacking of grooves and the aura. this world will be like the sony ADs shown on TV.. robots walking around leading a sad life. only the few with soul and got what it takes to be themselves are actually human..
besides its the people who manage this society that has to help put most of our foot forward.. help that that first step..
but honestly i think its to bloody darn late..
sad but true..
back to the holidays... it was so-so great.. seen and done pretty interesting stuff.. could be better but i am willing to accept.
the only thing that is all so wrong is that the close ones are not around..
have you heard this before..
that every year, on new years eve..
people who you spend the eve with are people that you are more likely to be around the whole year... and if you have close friends. real close. and by not spending the eve with them means that your friendship will die out.. in time.. as carrying it through the years. you will not even know each other.
the most screw up part is that if your are not with your other half and he/she is somewhere else and not with you.. your love will die -out too.
the spark will fade.. and someone else will try more often to that him.she away.
its simple.. what you do and spend the eve with will effect your entire year. and maybe your life...
its some depress shit.
but through experience.. it seems pretty true..
sadly i like and enjoy the holidays. but i always hate what i have to to to hold on to those i don't want to let go..
and sometimes i just feel they are actually gone..
and i am just holding on. cause i can't let go.
so much for the holidays..
now the torture is gone.. those worst is coming..
14 Feb.. if you know what its means.. i hope she comes back soon.
i miss you..
i have came to realize that the season of giving and sharing is so stupid.
people just don't care... the holidays became so dumb.. everyone just go and did what everyone did.. if there is fireworks then you bet everyone is there...
i have to admit that the fireworks is damn bloody good. the crowd is still the same.. lack of spirit and emotion.. every year is feels like the entire country has turn into walking zombies.... a better insight is to go to any gigs here in this small island and see for yourself.. is the young like me are becoming so boring and lacking of grooves and the aura. this world will be like the sony ADs shown on TV.. robots walking around leading a sad life. only the few with soul and got what it takes to be themselves are actually human..
besides its the people who manage this society that has to help put most of our foot forward.. help that that first step..
but honestly i think its to bloody darn late..
sad but true..
back to the holidays... it was so-so great.. seen and done pretty interesting stuff.. could be better but i am willing to accept.
the only thing that is all so wrong is that the close ones are not around..
have you heard this before..
that every year, on new years eve..
people who you spend the eve with are people that you are more likely to be around the whole year... and if you have close friends. real close. and by not spending the eve with them means that your friendship will die out.. in time.. as carrying it through the years. you will not even know each other.
the most screw up part is that if your are not with your other half and he/she is somewhere else and not with you.. your love will die -out too.
the spark will fade.. and someone else will try more often to that him.she away.
its simple.. what you do and spend the eve with will effect your entire year. and maybe your life...
its some depress shit.
but through experience.. it seems pretty true..
sadly i like and enjoy the holidays. but i always hate what i have to to to hold on to those i don't want to let go..
and sometimes i just feel they are actually gone..
and i am just holding on. cause i can't let go.
so much for the holidays..
now the torture is gone.. those worst is coming..
14 Feb.. if you know what its means.. i hope she comes back soon.
i miss you..
- Mood: indescribable
- Music:Lost & Found - by Adrienne Pierce
back again, just to fill in the details
everything is nice, everything is the way it is. maybe that is the problem.
the season of x'mas and the new year is finally here.
Well the feeling is nice, but all wrong.
not really my usual self. if you are wondering
my friends are all back for the holidays. close ones and barely known ones.
some made contact, some didn't.
even with the amount of people i know. I still feel alone.
Time really has to slow down on me, its not the catching up or the moments.
maybe the moments. maybe its time itself.
but screw the crap. it all boils down to me,
just to share
someone close is back, i sense her and made a call
she just got back. she sounds happy but some distraction i sense in her voice.
as always i try to get hold of her through phone. she is never home.
i leave a voice mail. but she never replies, not even a message
she really is ignoring me.
maybe i should stop.
the last she ever said is to meet up with me and friends on my birthday.
but she totally forgot. can't really expect her to anymore.
as time goes by, i really think i don't know her anymore.
all i have is this 6 sense of her, its just the feeling i get, i sense if she is sad or near, any thing she goes through
i just sense it. a very weird thing. its something i kinda need to find out why?
why? do i sense her so much?
even with all the senses i have, yet again......
i keep thinking of danielle.
she is always on my mind. before i sleep, my lovely long bus rides. i keep windering how is she.
i belive finally that she is the one. i care for and worry.
but just like time, i have to move on and can never turn the clock and go back to the past to amend all my mistakes.
i just have to make the best of whatever i have and move on.
i know that and its hard. it just keep popping.
like pop ups on the internet. no matter how much security it just keep coming.
this year and season, is the worst of my 22 years of life.
i'm all emo this year and its not reeaallyyyyyyyyyyyy helping.
well like all things fucked up, i always have a way to make some nice sunshine out of it.
at least i still have family and friends,
before i end this journal. i leave some thoughts in some weird and interesting way. readers who is reading this journal have a happy x'mas and new year. i hope you people out there is and are feeling better then me now.
.....
a happy place i search for
a slience that is perfect for my ears
sunshine through a crack hole
a filled box that is empty
all the years that fly pass
with memories that hangs in my head
simple sentence with hard words
thoughts of you and special places
the long bus rides that is peace
the end of the ride
which makes no sense
back to reality
back to life
holiday cheers with all the sad faces
leaving all your goodbyes to that lonely someone.
making them suffer with kisses and hand shakes
the memories of you kills me
and bleeding by the chest
waking up to someone that you never realize
the beauty of spending with that special someone
the twist and change of this words
the mix feelings and the direct translation
direct sayings
wrong route and endless of space
all that i am saying
all i mean is never let go
never forget
all that images, all that thoughts
stay true, stay safe.
be who you are, be all that is
accept and change the minds
share inner parts share mindless thoughts.
last parting
last days
of the years that has brought memories
of that special times.
Hello & Goodbye
Hello sunshine
everything is nice, everything is the way it is. maybe that is the problem.
the season of x'mas and the new year is finally here.
Well the feeling is nice, but all wrong.
not really my usual self. if you are wondering
my friends are all back for the holidays. close ones and barely known ones.
some made contact, some didn't.
even with the amount of people i know. I still feel alone.
Time really has to slow down on me, its not the catching up or the moments.
maybe the moments. maybe its time itself.
but screw the crap. it all boils down to me,
just to share
someone close is back, i sense her and made a call
she just got back. she sounds happy but some distraction i sense in her voice.
as always i try to get hold of her through phone. she is never home.
i leave a voice mail. but she never replies, not even a message
she really is ignoring me.
maybe i should stop.
the last she ever said is to meet up with me and friends on my birthday.
but she totally forgot. can't really expect her to anymore.
as time goes by, i really think i don't know her anymore.
all i have is this 6 sense of her, its just the feeling i get, i sense if she is sad or near, any thing she goes through
i just sense it. a very weird thing. its something i kinda need to find out why?
why? do i sense her so much?
even with all the senses i have, yet again......
i keep thinking of danielle.
she is always on my mind. before i sleep, my lovely long bus rides. i keep windering how is she.
i belive finally that she is the one. i care for and worry.
but just like time, i have to move on and can never turn the clock and go back to the past to amend all my mistakes.
i just have to make the best of whatever i have and move on.
i know that and its hard. it just keep popping.
like pop ups on the internet. no matter how much security it just keep coming.
this year and season, is the worst of my 22 years of life.
i'm all emo this year and its not reeaallyyyyyyyyyyyy helping.
well like all things fucked up, i always have a way to make some nice sunshine out of it.
at least i still have family and friends,
before i end this journal. i leave some thoughts in some weird and interesting way. readers who is reading this journal have a happy x'mas and new year. i hope you people out there is and are feeling better then me now.
.....
a happy place i search for
a slience that is perfect for my ears
sunshine through a crack hole
a filled box that is empty
all the years that fly pass
with memories that hangs in my head
simple sentence with hard words
thoughts of you and special places
the long bus rides that is peace
the end of the ride
which makes no sense
back to reality
back to life
holiday cheers with all the sad faces
leaving all your goodbyes to that lonely someone.
making them suffer with kisses and hand shakes
the memories of you kills me
and bleeding by the chest
waking up to someone that you never realize
the beauty of spending with that special someone
the twist and change of this words
the mix feelings and the direct translation
direct sayings
wrong route and endless of space
all that i am saying
all i mean is never let go
never forget
all that images, all that thoughts
stay true, stay safe.
be who you are, be all that is
accept and change the minds
share inner parts share mindless thoughts.
last parting
last days
of the years that has brought memories
of that special times.
Hello & Goodbye
Hello sunshine
- Mood:
artistic - Music:you and me against the world - by MOCCA
KL. Another perfect Tour, lead by me.(i guess as much)
with the amount of tips i recieve, i judge that i went smooth..
by the way for those who do not know me..
I lead tours to malaysia & a few other places for FUN.
its kinda get away for me. my real short holiday.
so that went well.
coming back to Singapore is a bitch.
facing reality is not on my list of agenda.
but knowing it sucks
so coming back to life any the real deal.
i enjoyed, i had fun.
i miss her.
and Her(Kacey), she is leaving, She is going away
my bestfriend(Felicia), is coming back
so what make sit bad.
well
come to think opf it my girlfriend is leaving and not sure when she comes back
our relationship is no-where here or there.
i am not sure what we or who am i. to her at least.
All i know and not saying is that
i Cared and Like her. I fell for her and now my heart is breaking
My best friend
Fel?
when is she back?
all i know from news is that she will be coming back.
she never calls, or mails.
the real world, its a perfect train-wreck in my eyes.
my Girlfriend is leaving, my Bestfriend is gone.
Christmas and New year is coming.
AND
I think i will be spending it alone
my only fav time of the year
the time where i like everyone to be together.
mostly i want my girlfriend to be beside me,
my head is messing p with stuff.
and i can't write more,
i'll have to live with it and wait. guess its life
i guess it is just me,
with the amount of tips i recieve, i judge that i went smooth..
by the way for those who do not know me..
I lead tours to malaysia & a few other places for FUN.
its kinda get away for me. my real short holiday.
so that went well.
coming back to Singapore is a bitch.
facing reality is not on my list of agenda.
but knowing it sucks
so coming back to life any the real deal.
i enjoyed, i had fun.
i miss her.
and Her(Kacey), she is leaving, She is going away
my bestfriend(Felicia), is coming back
so what make sit bad.
well
come to think opf it my girlfriend is leaving and not sure when she comes back
our relationship is no-where here or there.
i am not sure what we or who am i. to her at least.
All i know and not saying is that
i Cared and Like her. I fell for her and now my heart is breaking
My best friend
Fel?
when is she back?
all i know from news is that she will be coming back.
she never calls, or mails.
the real world, its a perfect train-wreck in my eyes.
my Girlfriend is leaving, my Bestfriend is gone.
Christmas and New year is coming.
AND
I think i will be spending it alone
my only fav time of the year
the time where i like everyone to be together.
mostly i want my girlfriend to be beside me,
my head is messing p with stuff.
and i can't write more,
i'll have to live with it and wait. guess its life
i guess it is just me,
- Mood:
drained - Music:Other Side of the World - by KT Tunstall
Firstly i guess i really need to change my journal layout. i think it is getting boring.
What do you think?
Please Comment if you think so.
As for whats up with life. well since most people ask me how's life when they bum into me or call.
this is my proper answer.
Its going on a 50/100 scale. half good and half bad.
the good side of it is that i'm spending most of my whatever time with Kacey.
Before she leaves.(someone goes again).
She reminds me of a better side care-free life which i use to have.
She has a scent i can just melt away.(A Very Good Thing).
My heart over works everytime she kiss me.
i float above the clouds when she lay next to me.
she shows a her concern and care with all her punkish sense.
(but she has to go coming NOV).
whatever of my friends are still around. i guess it is still good.
photographs flashes infront of me when i go places that reminds me of her.
the bad side is that i never know when she will ever come back.
i still am wondering what i plan for my life is ever gonna work.
my ex still haunts me till now.
losing my morale at work, under paid and not cared, over worked and alone.
so much troubles so little band-aids, bad stuff leaves cuts
worst stuff leave scars, beyond that takes everything of me.
reminds me of Crazy Beautiful without the ending.
would you give it all away just for that min of joy
feeling high with a mighty blow of shots down your throat
warm feeling and quick heart beats
dreams that come true
all that you ever wanted
i would give all
leave it all
just for that min
that second
sweet tears that roll down your cheek
a kiss
your smile
your smell
scented flowers
all i give for just a smile
your hello
and your goodbyes
knees weaken and long waits
back hurts
still standing
never goodbye
never go
never leave
even if you never show
Even if they Win
having to belive everything around
adapted to it and cool about all
tivo and radio makes no cure
dreams all blank
photos in my head
music about death and a sudden lost
nothing moves but your head.
scars on my face.
strange look people give
watch the same drama over and over again
hide and seek
swing alone in the dark
none forgiven, all regreted
fell in love and the great miss
little soft words in my ear
nibbles on my lips
strange planes, friends aboard
waving goodbye
no hellos
moon walking, slient screams
sleepless days and lonely nights
inside of me where my heart beats
scents of summer
thick haze and cold days
scretches on my back
marks on my neck
a pin on my head
ugly toes
beautiful smile
outside on the streets and broken seats
empty pockets and homeless people
far lands
open sea
lay on cement
i don't know you
believe whats not true
how i feel
and what you feel.
What do you think?
Please Comment if you think so.
As for whats up with life. well since most people ask me how's life when they bum into me or call.
this is my proper answer.
Its going on a 50/100 scale. half good and half bad.
the good side of it is that i'm spending most of my whatever time with Kacey.
Before she leaves.(someone goes again).
She reminds me of a better side care-free life which i use to have.
She has a scent i can just melt away.(A Very Good Thing).
My heart over works everytime she kiss me.
i float above the clouds when she lay next to me.
she shows a her concern and care with all her punkish sense.
(but she has to go coming NOV).
whatever of my friends are still around. i guess it is still good.
photographs flashes infront of me when i go places that reminds me of her.
the bad side is that i never know when she will ever come back.
i still am wondering what i plan for my life is ever gonna work.
my ex still haunts me till now.
losing my morale at work, under paid and not cared, over worked and alone.
so much troubles so little band-aids, bad stuff leaves cuts
worst stuff leave scars, beyond that takes everything of me.
reminds me of Crazy Beautiful without the ending.
would you give it all away just for that min of joy
feeling high with a mighty blow of shots down your throat
warm feeling and quick heart beats
dreams that come true
all that you ever wanted
i would give all
leave it all
just for that min
that second
sweet tears that roll down your cheek
a kiss
your smile
your smell
scented flowers
all i give for just a smile
your hello
and your goodbyes
knees weaken and long waits
back hurts
still standing
never goodbye
never go
never leave
even if you never show
Even if they Win
having to belive everything around
adapted to it and cool about all
tivo and radio makes no cure
dreams all blank
photos in my head
music about death and a sudden lost
nothing moves but your head.
scars on my face.
strange look people give
watch the same drama over and over again
hide and seek
swing alone in the dark
none forgiven, all regreted
fell in love and the great miss
little soft words in my ear
nibbles on my lips
strange planes, friends aboard
waving goodbye
no hellos
moon walking, slient screams
sleepless days and lonely nights
inside of me where my heart beats
scents of summer
thick haze and cold days
scretches on my back
marks on my neck
a pin on my head
ugly toes
beautiful smile
outside on the streets and broken seats
empty pockets and homeless people
far lands
open sea
lay on cement
i don't know you
believe whats not true
how i feel
and what you feel.
- Mood: groggy
- Music:The Pink Robots - by the Flaming lips
.
- Mood: depressed
- Music:12 June - by Astreal
remember the girl. we hooked up.
it was fun, exciting, cool, enjoyable, love to hang around her all day, spontaneous. so cool
i like her.. but remember it was... i think i am falling for her.. can't stop thinking of her.
good.. well thats if she is still around..
i wouldn't have bothered so much if i only knew..
Why not wait till she comes back?
I can't...
I scared. i would rather let go and cry in slience then wait till i get really serious and when the worst happens
.. i am not going to explain... but it is bad.
well. i once had a girlfriend and i really like her and got really serious. but we had to break due to her studying
abroad. then i met someone else and it happen again.. i keep meeting people who are for sure to leave me.
it keep happening.. not only girlfriends.My friends. buddys, close pals. most of my friends are somewhere out there.
and i am here. stuck.. i miss them... and more keep leaving.
everytime someone leaves.. it hurts me.
and everytime someone whom i love and really close to me leaves. they take a piece of me away.
my ex took a large chunk.
my group took another chunk..
my jamming peeps took whatever they can hold.
my close and best friend went and took all i could ever give.
and
NONE has return or even called if they did.
when i found out.. and manage to get them. they never seem to wanna hang around anymore
i guess people forget the past and carry on with life.
everytime i wonder what went worng. i just can't seem to find out..
as times goes by i meet people that come and go.. so often that i just seem to adapt to it.
but when i commit to friendship it just screws me up.. as they are make their move again.
its worst when i fall head over heels for a girl. and even worst if i attach myself and commit.
as for a fact, pretending and ignoring that they will also leave..
my best friend. Fel.. has not only took a chunk of me away.. she has left it in melbourne. and forgot about me.
what is bad bout it. is that i know when she comes back. and has this few years pass. she fades away into the
streets of singapore.
no calls, not even a hello.. no meet ups, no hey on MSN. no mails.. none.
never even give me her new num for me to call. asuming that i always know.
no time when i call for a chat or meet.
all this people esp my ex and Fel.. have taken me apart and consume it. or left it in a bin somewhere along some lone dark
street.. can i be forgotten so easily?
as for now. i have fell for the same trap which i keep looking out for all the time i met someone.
it sucks.
i am all emo now.. i am so lost.. beyond sad.. beyond alone and space..
why must tis happen to me all over again.
i just wanna settle down and stable my friendship with buds and chicks.
why is it so hard to just give me this one ounce of happiness. or my heart back..
life has stolen it from me. and i can't get it back.
no one will ever know how i feel.. its beyond everything anyone could experience.
sadly but true. it will happen all over again and agin. no matter how much i put up my guard..
already having to live with it. but it pokes and screams at me. when i fall for someone.
damn you. LIFE..
all i ask for is just an ounce of bliss..
it was fun, exciting, cool, enjoyable, love to hang around her all day, spontaneous. so cool
i like her.. but remember it was... i think i am falling for her.. can't stop thinking of her.
good.. well thats if she is still around..
i wouldn't have bothered so much if i only knew..
Why not wait till she comes back?
I can't...
I scared. i would rather let go and cry in slience then wait till i get really serious and when the worst happens
.. i am not going to explain... but it is bad.
well. i once had a girlfriend and i really like her and got really serious. but we had to break due to her studying
abroad. then i met someone else and it happen again.. i keep meeting people who are for sure to leave me.
it keep happening.. not only girlfriends.My friends. buddys, close pals. most of my friends are somewhere out there.
and i am here. stuck.. i miss them... and more keep leaving.
everytime someone leaves.. it hurts me.
and everytime someone whom i love and really close to me leaves. they take a piece of me away.
my ex took a large chunk.
my group took another chunk..
my jamming peeps took whatever they can hold.
my close and best friend went and took all i could ever give.
and
NONE has return or even called if they did.
when i found out.. and manage to get them. they never seem to wanna hang around anymore
i guess people forget the past and carry on with life.
everytime i wonder what went worng. i just can't seem to find out..
as times goes by i meet people that come and go.. so often that i just seem to adapt to it.
but when i commit to friendship it just screws me up.. as they are make their move again.
its worst when i fall head over heels for a girl. and even worst if i attach myself and commit.
as for a fact, pretending and ignoring that they will also leave..
my best friend. Fel.. has not only took a chunk of me away.. she has left it in melbourne. and forgot about me.
what is bad bout it. is that i know when she comes back. and has this few years pass. she fades away into the
streets of singapore.
no calls, not even a hello.. no meet ups, no hey on MSN. no mails.. none.
never even give me her new num for me to call. asuming that i always know.
no time when i call for a chat or meet.
all this people esp my ex and Fel.. have taken me apart and consume it. or left it in a bin somewhere along some lone dark
street.. can i be forgotten so easily?
as for now. i have fell for the same trap which i keep looking out for all the time i met someone.
it sucks.
i am all emo now.. i am so lost.. beyond sad.. beyond alone and space..
why must tis happen to me all over again.
i just wanna settle down and stable my friendship with buds and chicks.
why is it so hard to just give me this one ounce of happiness. or my heart back..
life has stolen it from me. and i can't get it back.
no one will ever know how i feel.. its beyond everything anyone could experience.
sadly but true. it will happen all over again and agin. no matter how much i put up my guard..
already having to live with it. but it pokes and screams at me. when i fall for someone.
damn you. LIFE..
all i ask for is just an ounce of bliss..
- Mood: depressed
- Music:June 12 - by Astreal
Its Been Awhile..
Well for a start life has been good.. met some new people..
some i adore and some i hate....
for a start. i getting back with the dating scene.. here and there..
not much.. just dating some people i just met..
so far none seem interested..
maybe i am not trying hard enough.. or they just don't like me..
hahaha...
well whatever it is i'm cool with it..
you have to like me for who i am...
well i also just met this chick.. no names envolve.
se mails me time to time.. met once.. still chat on line..
but she keeps sending me some site.
its a find your Mr/Ms Right site.. damn..
i hate getting into this shit.. i find her nice.. cool.. and not local..
something new.. but i like her.. even before i really got to know her.. she is
about 3 years older. not bigger than me.. cool. fun. nice smile..
and i like her.. she is a cool babe.
so whats wrong..
now a days. i get mails from her. getting me into the site.
which makes me feel like she owns the site and wants me to join.. and it needs a credit card to join
so that makes it worst.. i don't own one, even so i won't even try to apply..
so anyone who is reading this ..
please help..
some advice will be great,..
should i even put up some hope for her.
or just give up..
sorry but i can't let time take its place. many things to do.. so little time.
so its either give up, or try again.
damn,, can't i just get or know someone who really likes me for me.
so hard.. this country has too little people to fit my kind.
maybe i am born in the wrong place. another country would be great for me.
not here.. i guess.
so anyone.. help and advice..
better if it comes from a girl..
no offence to the guys.. i also really like your point of view.
Well for a start life has been good.. met some new people..
some i adore and some i hate....
for a start. i getting back with the dating scene.. here and there..
not much.. just dating some people i just met..
so far none seem interested..
maybe i am not trying hard enough.. or they just don't like me..
hahaha...
well whatever it is i'm cool with it..
you have to like me for who i am...
well i also just met this chick.. no names envolve.
se mails me time to time.. met once.. still chat on line..
but she keeps sending me some site.
its a find your Mr/Ms Right site.. damn..
i hate getting into this shit.. i find her nice.. cool.. and not local..
something new.. but i like her.. even before i really got to know her.. she is
about 3 years older. not bigger than me.. cool. fun. nice smile..
and i like her.. she is a cool babe.
so whats wrong..
now a days. i get mails from her. getting me into the site.
which makes me feel like she owns the site and wants me to join.. and it needs a credit card to join
so that makes it worst.. i don't own one, even so i won't even try to apply..
so anyone who is reading this ..
please help..
some advice will be great,..
should i even put up some hope for her.
or just give up..
sorry but i can't let time take its place. many things to do.. so little time.
so its either give up, or try again.
damn,, can't i just get or know someone who really likes me for me.
so hard.. this country has too little people to fit my kind.
maybe i am born in the wrong place. another country would be great for me.
not here.. i guess.
so anyone.. help and advice..
better if it comes from a girl..
no offence to the guys.. i also really like your point of view.
- Mood: anxious
- Music:So Little Time, by Arkana
Do You Believe in Hope? or even in might?
so many stuff happens before my very eyes. most of it is things i hear
problems i have helped. all some how leads to one answer
which almost everyone wants to hear is hope,
the worst, is letting time shows. base on knowledge. i have to say its the worst excuse.
hope for the perfect thing or someone. Hope
well HOPEless.
why do people wait and hope or just wait. why wait under the sun or in the rain.
wishing for everything? damn this few words.
Cause i have been waiting for so long. and experience shows that it is pointless.
some times you have to wait.. damn who ever started it!
now thinking of waiting and hoping, if you can't do that. then go for it. or at least try.
well trying is not what i might call me best thing. i would try if i know its something that i have a slight chances of acomplishing.
well mostly its not the point.
what i am sharing is that its useless to try or hope.
USELESS.
my point is FUCK IT!
don't bother thinking or hoping.
just go by it. LIFE IS A JOKE ANYWAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
problems will just go away! run as far as you can.
enough of it. problems just makes life so FUCK.
CANCER, SUICIDE & DEATH
wonders of many. an easy way to get out of HELL
HELL IS ON EARTH.
murders and killings and wars.
a back door for OUT...
i have so many things to worry, shit is just not helping. never will i go back.
ARGGGGGHHHHHHH!!!
why?????????????
Shoot me in the head, end all my sorrows
visions of me and dreams of you
hoping and waiting, heart breaks and life awakens
going back to before, defend my mind
forget the past live with you. why should i and come back to all this.
you are the cause, you are my enemy
i have trusted, now you have forgotten.
friendship ends and sleep starts
all i want is to end
all i need is to end.
end it all and help me lord.
anything will i do, anything will i might.
i can't take it, i can't, i can't
help me, give in to me, save me.
so many stuff happens before my very eyes. most of it is things i hear
problems i have helped. all some how leads to one answer
which almost everyone wants to hear is hope,
the worst, is letting time shows. base on knowledge. i have to say its the worst excuse.
hope for the perfect thing or someone. Hope
well HOPEless.
why do people wait and hope or just wait. why wait under the sun or in the rain.
wishing for everything? damn this few words.
Cause i have been waiting for so long. and experience shows that it is pointless.
some times you have to wait.. damn who ever started it!
now thinking of waiting and hoping, if you can't do that. then go for it. or at least try.
well trying is not what i might call me best thing. i would try if i know its something that i have a slight chances of acomplishing.
well mostly its not the point.
what i am sharing is that its useless to try or hope.
USELESS.
my point is FUCK IT!
don't bother thinking or hoping.
just go by it. LIFE IS A JOKE ANYWAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
problems will just go away! run as far as you can.
enough of it. problems just makes life so FUCK.
CANCER, SUICIDE & DEATH
wonders of many. an easy way to get out of HELL
HELL IS ON EARTH.
murders and killings and wars.
a back door for OUT...
i have so many things to worry, shit is just not helping. never will i go back.
ARGGGGGHHHHHHH!!!
why?????????????
Shoot me in the head, end all my sorrows
visions of me and dreams of you
hoping and waiting, heart breaks and life awakens
going back to before, defend my mind
forget the past live with you. why should i and come back to all this.
you are the cause, you are my enemy
i have trusted, now you have forgotten.
friendship ends and sleep starts
all i want is to end
all i need is to end.
end it all and help me lord.
anything will i do, anything will i might.
i can't take it, i can't, i can't
help me, give in to me, save me.
- Mood: crushed
- Music:Sleep, by The Dandy Warhols
........................................
This entry is not recommended for people who don't want to read some emo shit.
this is an entry that i pour some of my mind out and feelings.
it is a really personnal. so again if you can't except the entry please don't read it.
........................................
i can't sleep last night. so i spent a few mins smoking and drinking.
alone? yes!
i'm scared! my day was good. went to camp, then met a friend hang and chill for awhile.
i am begining to like her, well not in a relationship sense.
i like her, i like talking to her, sometimes i feel like pouring some of my mind out on her.
but i am so afraid to trust her,
i have trust issues. i used to trust people easily, but everyone, including my very own cousin
has miss used my trust.
so last night when i was smoking and drinking my mind off. i realise that i have someone who is very close to me.
i love her, she now is in australia. and i miss her.
but i also realise that she was never there for me when i need her.
i get depress most of the times, it gets worst when anyone leave me alone.
my ciggs and music are my company, all my friends have left.
my best friend, the girl from australia.
she never really was there, some of the times i guess its just a show,
and everytime i want to let out, she will always have some one near us,
like she is afraid to handle what might come out, to come and think of it, she is more like a friend that
i have known for decades, thats all, so sad isn't it.
if you wondering how bout my guy friends.
well i am more afraid to say anything. they always have sometime to do and worry
my close group of friends. well they are not any better.
i realise they could not care less. bout problems.
i always feel in-perfect, my friends always have one thing that i don't have.
so what?
there are billions of people out there, but only one can make you happy and sad at the same time.
have you found that special one?
do you know who that person is?
punch me in the face, and kick me out, what ever makes you happy.
that was what serene's closet sand in one of their songs.
i'm depress, thats it. no one knows, even my best friend.
i have trust issues. my friends that i have seems more like any other person on the street.
when i sit on a curb, and watch everyone pass by. they always seem to be goining somewhere.
and i feel so lost with no place to go, no one for company.
only my music and my ciggs.
if only all that consider me as a friend, could read my mind or know how i actually feel.
i believe they will be shock.
but then who are my friends? who is my best friend? who are you?
do you know who am i?
i bet anyone won't know who am i. cause no one actually put any tiny effort in trying to know who am i.
some one once told me, what you see is not what you get. i believe that was my ex. she told me that when we broke up.
how tragic.
i hope someone reads this entry, but i also hope it is the right person.
i am sorry, to that person. i am trying to trust. really. but it is not easy.
if only someone been through what i have gone through. they he/she wil understand.
so many friends i have, not one even knows who i am. they all come for a good time and then, they all leave.
best friend i have? where was she? to be honest, i believe she never really cared much
i just keep ignoring the facts and still hope. i loved her and still do.
my life have been a major screw up.
my decisions sometimes always seem to be all wrong.
now this is only the tip of my ice berg. i wish i could write it all out here. but i can't. it already hurts me
typing every word out now. i never thought i would every feel so alone.
if you wonder what about a shrink. whats the point. i only got 1 hour of his/her time a week.
what i really need is some one who actually understand me. my emotions. ......................
sometimes i just want to kill myself. it seems so much easier.
so simple. a quick death. so easy. some times i tried. but i could not do it.
why? i just as scared of dying.
i am also scared of living?
i don't want to be alone.
i want to be free, and still have people who wil call me. people who regconise me.
who knows me.
you will never know. i will never know.
i will never trust, you will never undertsand.
i will never share, you will nevery try.
i will never cry, you will never see me
i will never love, you will never feel
i will never hope, you will never pray
i will never worry, you will never fear
i will never smile, you will never hear
AND I WILL NEVER BE HERE ANYMORE LONGER, YOU WILL NEVER FIND ME
YOU WILL NEVER SEE ME. I WILL GO AND WALK MY OWN PATH ALONE. I HAVE BEEN THROUGH THIS ALONE FOR SO LONG
WHAT IS ANOTHER FEW MORE YEARS.
i have tried, help me. for years i waited still no help.
no sign of my friends.
and NO SIGN of my best friend.
i would now like for you to forget me and all past memories of me.
it never matters anymore.
it will make me happy. better to know me and not have memories of me, then to have memories of me and not know me.
This entry is not recommended for people who don't want to read some emo shit.
this is an entry that i pour some of my mind out and feelings.
it is a really personnal. so again if you can't except the entry please don't read it.
........................................
i can't sleep last night. so i spent a few mins smoking and drinking.
alone? yes!
i'm scared! my day was good. went to camp, then met a friend hang and chill for awhile.
i am begining to like her, well not in a relationship sense.
i like her, i like talking to her, sometimes i feel like pouring some of my mind out on her.
but i am so afraid to trust her,
i have trust issues. i used to trust people easily, but everyone, including my very own cousin
has miss used my trust.
so last night when i was smoking and drinking my mind off. i realise that i have someone who is very close to me.
i love her, she now is in australia. and i miss her.
but i also realise that she was never there for me when i need her.
i get depress most of the times, it gets worst when anyone leave me alone.
my ciggs and music are my company, all my friends have left.
my best friend, the girl from australia.
she never really was there, some of the times i guess its just a show,
and everytime i want to let out, she will always have some one near us,
like she is afraid to handle what might come out, to come and think of it, she is more like a friend that
i have known for decades, thats all, so sad isn't it.
if you wondering how bout my guy friends.
well i am more afraid to say anything. they always have sometime to do and worry
my close group of friends. well they are not any better.
i realise they could not care less. bout problems.
i always feel in-perfect, my friends always have one thing that i don't have.
so what?
there are billions of people out there, but only one can make you happy and sad at the same time.
have you found that special one?
do you know who that person is?
punch me in the face, and kick me out, what ever makes you happy.
that was what serene's closet sand in one of their songs.
i'm depress, thats it. no one knows, even my best friend.
i have trust issues. my friends that i have seems more like any other person on the street.
when i sit on a curb, and watch everyone pass by. they always seem to be goining somewhere.
and i feel so lost with no place to go, no one for company.
only my music and my ciggs.
if only all that consider me as a friend, could read my mind or know how i actually feel.
i believe they will be shock.
but then who are my friends? who is my best friend? who are you?
do you know who am i?
i bet anyone won't know who am i. cause no one actually put any tiny effort in trying to know who am i.
some one once told me, what you see is not what you get. i believe that was my ex. she told me that when we broke up.
how tragic.
i hope someone reads this entry, but i also hope it is the right person.
i am sorry, to that person. i am trying to trust. really. but it is not easy.
if only someone been through what i have gone through. they he/she wil understand.
so many friends i have, not one even knows who i am. they all come for a good time and then, they all leave.
best friend i have? where was she? to be honest, i believe she never really cared much
i just keep ignoring the facts and still hope. i loved her and still do.
my life have been a major screw up.
my decisions sometimes always seem to be all wrong.
now this is only the tip of my ice berg. i wish i could write it all out here. but i can't. it already hurts me
typing every word out now. i never thought i would every feel so alone.
if you wonder what about a shrink. whats the point. i only got 1 hour of his/her time a week.
what i really need is some one who actually understand me. my emotions. ......................
sometimes i just want to kill myself. it seems so much easier.
so simple. a quick death. so easy. some times i tried. but i could not do it.
why? i just as scared of dying.
i am also scared of living?
i don't want to be alone.
i want to be free, and still have people who wil call me. people who regconise me.
who knows me.
you will never know. i will never know.
i will never trust, you will never undertsand.
i will never share, you will nevery try.
i will never cry, you will never see me
i will never love, you will never feel
i will never hope, you will never pray
i will never worry, you will never fear
i will never smile, you will never hear
AND I WILL NEVER BE HERE ANYMORE LONGER, YOU WILL NEVER FIND ME
YOU WILL NEVER SEE ME. I WILL GO AND WALK MY OWN PATH ALONE. I HAVE BEEN THROUGH THIS ALONE FOR SO LONG
WHAT IS ANOTHER FEW MORE YEARS.
i have tried, help me. for years i waited still no help.
no sign of my friends.
and NO SIGN of my best friend.
i would now like for you to forget me and all past memories of me.
it never matters anymore.
it will make me happy. better to know me and not have memories of me, then to have memories of me and not know me.
- Mood: depressed
- Music:God of Wine - by third eye blind
all that you can ever think off?
Hold you tight.. make me feel alright..
where are you.. you never call or ever mail.
i wait and send a song.
poems i write never manage to come out right.
make sure everything stay right,
my dreams delight me
my mind blowing and bursting out
waiting for this night.
my only one?
or my only right.
listen to songs that keep me happy, local or whatever
cast away my bordom.
if anyone who can take away my pain and put it back in.
it's only you, who can do it.
funky play tone and jump back
lay by the couch eat chips from yesterday
watch the tele.
catach the news.
million of miles, the weather never seem to bother
when you around, i smile so wide..
and lasting..
hot, soak wet, happy tunes everyday.
work with pleasure and decent nails.
what am i saying or doing,
some say lucky, others say else.
chill by the beach, guitar or drums. beats and sand
mind exploding with thoughts of you..
thinking of you.. thinking of me..
keep me happ, keep me stong .
do whatyou feel, its all wrong. long time no see. what am i feeling.
come sit by me and now try to feel me.. i miss you.
emotionally glued to you. even when we part.
stay happy, this is not my last request.
radio songs, high rise, music, movies, queues and waits.
i belive in you, i will never run away with you, or swim to you.
let me know, everyone else knows now. will you?
this time, all this, is just a jumble of thoughts and smiles..
patch them togehter.. never sad or angry.
happy and delight, feeling down.. never sad..
come home.. many words. nevr let you go.
Hold you tight.. make me feel alright..
where are you.. you never call or ever mail.
i wait and send a song.
poems i write never manage to come out right.
make sure everything stay right,
my dreams delight me
my mind blowing and bursting out
waiting for this night.
my only one?
or my only right.
listen to songs that keep me happy, local or whatever
cast away my bordom.
if anyone who can take away my pain and put it back in.
it's only you, who can do it.
funky play tone and jump back
lay by the couch eat chips from yesterday
watch the tele.
catach the news.
million of miles, the weather never seem to bother
when you around, i smile so wide..
and lasting..
hot, soak wet, happy tunes everyday.
work with pleasure and decent nails.
what am i saying or doing,
some say lucky, others say else.
chill by the beach, guitar or drums. beats and sand
mind exploding with thoughts of you..
thinking of you.. thinking of me..
keep me happ, keep me stong .
do whatyou feel, its all wrong. long time no see. what am i feeling.
come sit by me and now try to feel me.. i miss you.
emotionally glued to you. even when we part.
stay happy, this is not my last request.
radio songs, high rise, music, movies, queues and waits.
i belive in you, i will never run away with you, or swim to you.
let me know, everyone else knows now. will you?
this time, all this, is just a jumble of thoughts and smiles..
patch them togehter.. never sad or angry.
happy and delight, feeling down.. never sad..
come home.. many words. nevr let you go.
- Mood:
awake - Music:you and me against the world , by mocca
it been a while. whta have happen, what did go wrong.
nothing much i hope. a little complicated i guess.
i'm going to start with have you ever..
its just one of those moments when you question have you ever blah blha..
but have you ever felt cheated?
have you ever felt worng?
some times i think what have i done.
like have does anyone feels like me right now..
i know the emo and depressing is killing anyone who reads my blog. but its the best way to let out.
but have you ever?
topic relationships.
i am stuck. i have recently made a few wonderful achivements. like meeting new peeps.
dates are well going fine i guess.
but it never last. i know its me..
well i'm not the boy next door, or the hot guy that trims your front yard.
but i'm a boy who. enjoys company. goes for gigs, listen to punk/ indie/ emo
hopes for someone to blow my mind out(in anyway). who is a reader(which means i do read alot)
and i'm someone who might be the last resort in helping anyone get their mind straighten out
or getting some weight of your shoulders.
simple and full of crap.
yet with all this( i guess its good) and many more i still waits for her. i'm not moving on.
all she have to do is accept the fact taht i might just be the best thing to have happen.
so what i am alwasy there when she needs me. how long can i wait. she figures that i am not saying much or even trying anymore, so she panics and calls from a couple of thousand miles away in such weird hours trying to get hold of me. and when she did and ask for a reply, which i actually did,
now i wait again for her call or reply. what is to be of me?
so have you ever felt this way.
sometime i feel like its never gonna happen.
it sometimes feel like all she wants is me to be there thats it.
sorry but i can't. i like more.
and somethime i just can't be just friends.
a lot has happen to be just friends. so close, know ech other so well but still so apart.
aslo another topic .
have you ever feel like you are all alone?
i'm not going very far with this..
and another have you ever felt like everthing has happen is not happening.
or just kill yourself.
migraines and headaches, pains all over.
life has not been good to me.
and have you ever felt this way.
like since life have not been good to you. why be good to life and kill yourself in any possible way.
like ciggs and alcohol and weed and shit which never good to you.
and no exercise to balance your health.
and more shit to add.
with all the shit i go through.
i really like to thank to wonders of music.
bands that play my favs.
genre like indie and punk and emo and trip.
its like an invisible pill thats clears my head, my heart and my soul.
its was only a kiss.
my stomach is sick.
she makes out with the other
i can't look.
it kills me
choking on my own voice
want another look
vomits my brains.
its was only a hug.
all i want
i really can't look
something takes control
i'm not mr bightside
stop playing that song.
but i want it all. i want some of you
all i want is to feel good.
is that so hard to ask
slice some lemons
peel some oranges.
shoot me in my sleep
leave
and forget me
don't say good bye just go.
nothing much i hope. a little complicated i guess.
i'm going to start with have you ever..
its just one of those moments when you question have you ever blah blha..
but have you ever felt cheated?
have you ever felt worng?
some times i think what have i done.
like have does anyone feels like me right now..
i know the emo and depressing is killing anyone who reads my blog. but its the best way to let out.
but have you ever?
topic relationships.
i am stuck. i have recently made a few wonderful achivements. like meeting new peeps.
dates are well going fine i guess.
but it never last. i know its me..
well i'm not the boy next door, or the hot guy that trims your front yard.
but i'm a boy who. enjoys company. goes for gigs, listen to punk/ indie/ emo
hopes for someone to blow my mind out(in anyway). who is a reader(which means i do read alot)
and i'm someone who might be the last resort in helping anyone get their mind straighten out
or getting some weight of your shoulders.
simple and full of crap.
yet with all this( i guess its good) and many more i still waits for her. i'm not moving on.
all she have to do is accept the fact taht i might just be the best thing to have happen.
so what i am alwasy there when she needs me. how long can i wait. she figures that i am not saying much or even trying anymore, so she panics and calls from a couple of thousand miles away in such weird hours trying to get hold of me. and when she did and ask for a reply, which i actually did,
now i wait again for her call or reply. what is to be of me?
so have you ever felt this way.
sometime i feel like its never gonna happen.
it sometimes feel like all she wants is me to be there thats it.
sorry but i can't. i like more.
and somethime i just can't be just friends.
a lot has happen to be just friends. so close, know ech other so well but still so apart.
aslo another topic .
have you ever feel like you are all alone?
i'm not going very far with this..
and another have you ever felt like everthing has happen is not happening.
or just kill yourself.
migraines and headaches, pains all over.
life has not been good to me.
and have you ever felt this way.
like since life have not been good to you. why be good to life and kill yourself in any possible way.
like ciggs and alcohol and weed and shit which never good to you.
and no exercise to balance your health.
and more shit to add.
with all the shit i go through.
i really like to thank to wonders of music.
bands that play my favs.
genre like indie and punk and emo and trip.
its like an invisible pill thats clears my head, my heart and my soul.
its was only a kiss.
my stomach is sick.
she makes out with the other
i can't look.
it kills me
choking on my own voice
want another look
vomits my brains.
its was only a hug.
all i want
i really can't look
something takes control
i'm not mr bightside
stop playing that song.
but i want it all. i want some of you
all i want is to feel good.
is that so hard to ask
slice some lemons
peel some oranges.
shoot me in my sleep
leave
and forget me
don't say good bye just go.
- Mood:
gloomy - Music:change your mind - by the Killers
Where'd you go?
I miss you so,
Seems like it's been forever,
That you've been gone.
She said "Some days I feel like shit,
Some days I wanna quit, and just be normal for a bit,"
I don't understand why you have to always be gone,
I get along but the trips always feel so long,
And, I find myself tryna stay by the phone,
'Cause your voice always helps me when I feel so alone,
But I feel like an idiot, workin' my day around the call,
But when I pick up I don't have much to say,
So, I want you to know it's a little fucked up,
That I'm stuck here waitin', at times debatin',
Tellin' you that I've had it with you and your career,
Me and the rest of the family here singing "Where'd you go?"
I miss you so,
Seems like it's been forever,
That you've been gone.
Where'd you go?
I miss you so,
Seems like it's been forever,
That you've been gone,
Please come back home...
You know the place where you used to live,
Used to barbeque up burgers and ribs,
Used to have a little party every Hallowe'en with candy by the pile,
But now, you only stop by every once in a while,
Shit, I find myself just fillin' my time,
Anything to keep the thought of you from my mind,
I'm doin' fine, I plan to keep it that way,
You can call me if you find you have somethin' to say,
And I'll tell you, I want you to know it's a little fucked up,
That I'm stuck here waitin', at times debatin',
Tellin' you that I've had it with you and your career,
Me and the rest of the family here singing "Where'd you go?"
I miss you so,
Seems like it's been forever,
That you've been gone.
Where'd you go?
I miss you so,
Seems like it's been forever,
That you've been gone,
Please come back home...
I want you to know it's a little fucked up,
That I'm stuck here waitin', no longer debatin',
Tired of sittin' and hatin' and makin' these excuses,
For while you're not around, and feeling so useless,
It seems one thing has been true all along,
You don't really know what you got 'til it's gone,
I guess I've had it with you and your career,
When you come back I won't be here and you'll can sing it...
Where'd you go?
I miss you so,
Seems like it's been forever,
That you've been gone.
Where'd you go?
I miss you so,
Seems like it's been forever,
That you've been gone,
Please come back home...
Please come back home...
Please come back home...
Please come back home...
Please come back home...
This song is for you. you know who you are..
I miss you so,
Seems like it's been forever,
That you've been gone.
She said "Some days I feel like shit,
Some days I wanna quit, and just be normal for a bit,"
I don't understand why you have to always be gone,
I get along but the trips always feel so long,
And, I find myself tryna stay by the phone,
'Cause your voice always helps me when I feel so alone,
But I feel like an idiot, workin' my day around the call,
But when I pick up I don't have much to say,
So, I want you to know it's a little fucked up,
That I'm stuck here waitin', at times debatin',
Tellin' you that I've had it with you and your career,
Me and the rest of the family here singing "Where'd you go?"
I miss you so,
Seems like it's been forever,
That you've been gone.
Where'd you go?
I miss you so,
Seems like it's been forever,
That you've been gone,
Please come back home...
You know the place where you used to live,
Used to barbeque up burgers and ribs,
Used to have a little party every Hallowe'en with candy by the pile,
But now, you only stop by every once in a while,
Shit, I find myself just fillin' my time,
Anything to keep the thought of you from my mind,
I'm doin' fine, I plan to keep it that way,
You can call me if you find you have somethin' to say,
And I'll tell you, I want you to know it's a little fucked up,
That I'm stuck here waitin', at times debatin',
Tellin' you that I've had it with you and your career,
Me and the rest of the family here singing "Where'd you go?"
I miss you so,
Seems like it's been forever,
That you've been gone.
Where'd you go?
I miss you so,
Seems like it's been forever,
That you've been gone,
Please come back home...
I want you to know it's a little fucked up,
That I'm stuck here waitin', no longer debatin',
Tired of sittin' and hatin' and makin' these excuses,
For while you're not around, and feeling so useless,
It seems one thing has been true all along,
You don't really know what you got 'til it's gone,
I guess I've had it with you and your career,
When you come back I won't be here and you'll can sing it...
Where'd you go?
I miss you so,
Seems like it's been forever,
That you've been gone.
Where'd you go?
I miss you so,
Seems like it's been forever,
That you've been gone,
Please come back home...
Please come back home...
Please come back home...
Please come back home...
Please come back home...
This song is for you. you know who you are..
- Mood: lonely
- Music:Fort Minor - Where'd You Go, Featuring Holly Brook
Is it so hard to let go..
its cool that there are some who reads my rubbish.
that is what most will think..
to me, this is what is inside of me.
close friends who actually know i have a blog and actually reads this
will look at me in a diff way. but then none of them actually do read any of my stuff.
close or even friends won't even know i jam and write songs.
every song has a meaning. what i write is what i feel.
so what i don't sing my songs. i got some one who sings it in a lovely voice.
she made my songs speaks out and really make it mean it even more.
but its not about her. it is about who really knows me.
does anyone know?
no offense..
mostly i think strangers reads my shit, and that is by chance they entered my shit.
its not like i want everyone to know my shit. but its for my friends to know me. or at leats some of me.
tell them...
YES i did, NO ONE LISTENS ANYMORE.
so is it so hard to know this..
and letting go is for me to handle. i guess its harder to let go then to give up.
oh nonsense.
what else can i write?
most of the time its the same shit. to everyone.
do i give up?
what do i want to do what do i need to do.
i gave up on my best friend.
she is the best, and like most might say.
your best friend can be your best enemy.
but she turn out to be the best disappointment..
(before i go on sorry bout the millions spelling errors & Grammar mistakes, i all of a sudden forgot how to spell)
i tend to blank out every now and then quite so often. it started for a while now i guess its ever day.
i lose my concentration, i realize i don't even look or think before i go on doing anything at times.
i forgot what else. sorry i am tired. i going to go .
its cool that there are some who reads my rubbish.
that is what most will think..
to me, this is what is inside of me.
close friends who actually know i have a blog and actually reads this
will look at me in a diff way. but then none of them actually do read any of my stuff.
close or even friends won't even know i jam and write songs.
every song has a meaning. what i write is what i feel.
so what i don't sing my songs. i got some one who sings it in a lovely voice.
she made my songs speaks out and really make it mean it even more.
but its not about her. it is about who really knows me.
does anyone know?
no offense..
mostly i think strangers reads my shit, and that is by chance they entered my shit.
its not like i want everyone to know my shit. but its for my friends to know me. or at leats some of me.
tell them...
YES i did, NO ONE LISTENS ANYMORE.
so is it so hard to know this..
and letting go is for me to handle. i guess its harder to let go then to give up.
oh nonsense.
what else can i write?
most of the time its the same shit. to everyone.
do i give up?
what do i want to do what do i need to do.
i gave up on my best friend.
she is the best, and like most might say.
your best friend can be your best enemy.
but she turn out to be the best disappointment..
(before i go on sorry bout the millions spelling errors & Grammar mistakes, i all of a sudden forgot how to spell)
i tend to blank out every now and then quite so often. it started for a while now i guess its ever day.
i lose my concentration, i realize i don't even look or think before i go on doing anything at times.
i forgot what else. sorry i am tired. i going to go .
- Mood: blank
- Music:My Sundown -by Jimmy Eat World
